The other night, the night of Ice Storm 2009, I came home to a cold, dark house. The electricity was out. I feared this would happen. As I drove home, I noticed that the bars on the west side of Greenville (Blue Goose, Hurricanes, Greenville Ave. Bar & Grill) were all lit up like Christmas trees. But the bars on the east side of Greenville (Stan’s, Dubliner, The Grape) were as cold and dark as the inner reaches of my soul.

With little to do in a darkened house with temperatures hovering in the mid 50s, I decided to drive around town and maybe get something to eat. With only my cell phone as my companion, ventured into the frigid icy streets of East Dallas.

Well that was until both screens of my RAZR2 decided to go completely black. No, the battery wasn’t dead , nor was the backlight out. There was still a visible glow from the backlight.

Once I got home – the lights were finally on – I started trying to fix the phone. I took the battery out and left it out for several minutes. That didn’t work. I jiggled with the side buttons (sometimes they get stuck). That didn’t work. I prayed to sweet, clean 8lbs 10oz baby Jebus. Still nothing.

The next day, I did the unthinkable – I surrendered and went to the Verizon store for technical assistance. It was here that I was told 1) The phone had to be replaced 2) It would cost $50 (much less than I thought) and 3) this particular store didn’t have any in stock. But if I went to the store on Preston and SH121 they could hook me up – they had plenty in stock.

With aid of my loyal steed Gina (the Xterra) I ventured up to the Verizon de Frisco. It was here that I was informed that they’ve been having serious problems with their inventory control and the had exactly zero replacement phones in my model. Not wanting to make another pointless trip to another pointless Verizon store, I took the option of having them Fedex me a new phone.
There was only one problem – someone had to be home to sign for it.
DANGIT!

They could, however, send it to my place of work. “Cool!”, I said and gave them my work address and information.

The next day, a gentleman from our mail room came with a package for me (MARK).

“Are you expecting some kind of cell phone battery?”, he asked;
Seeing that he already opened the package, I replied tentatively,” Well, it should be a whole phone.”.

Handing over the box, he then asked, “Is this a business phone or a personal?”

“Personal.”, I meekly replied.
“Well, don’t do this again.” He said as he left my office.

REALLY?

What the fuck and why do you even care?
Yes. That’s right. I’ve really clogged up the internal workings of Beal Bank by receiving dozens of cell phones each and every day. It’s hard to believe anything gets done here since the whole bottom floor of the building is dedicated to my cell phone package inventory. And what the fuck was I supposed to do – take the whole day off so I can sit around waiting for the Fedex guy?? Would that have been better for the overall health of the company?

And how dare you leave my office before I can formulate a cogent and scathing rebuttal. How dare you sir, and good day!

I said GOOD DAY.

Oh, and I am getting an iPhone on September 1 2009 — the day my Verizon contract runs out.